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Sotomayor is an alien love-child

The far-right is suspicious, even hostile. The far left is ecstatic, even giddy.

The far-right is suspicious, even hostile. The far left is ecstatic, even giddy. In short, the nomination of Sonia Sotomayor to fill the vacancy soon to be left by Justice David Souter is polarizing Washington. Life inside the beltway hasn’t been this tumultuous since now Justice Clarence Thomas was forced to deny he knew about a certain wayward pelito on his Coke can.

Now, as America awaits the start of live, televised confirmation hearings for the woman who might just become the first Latina in history appointed to serve on the U.S. Supreme Court, Latino Perspectives Magazine has uncovered disturbing information about Sotomayor.

In a recent satellite telephone interview, a source close to a friend of a prima of a tía of a compadre in charge of a secret intergalactic spy network, known only by its code name, MIJA, has confirmed that Sotomayor is actually, no me digas, an ALIEN LOVECHILD!!! (We’re talking space aliens here, not undocumented immigrants. How’s that for challenging a stereotype).

“I just thought it was something Americans should know before they appointed her to serve on the most powerful judicial body in your planet’s most powerful government,” says the source, an androgynous, gelatinous mass without mouth or ears, during an off-the-record interview with LPM, conducted through a robot-interpreter identified only as “Deep Space Throat 69”.

Asked to confirm Sotomayor’s alien origins, LPM was shown holographic, 3D video projections of her parents, former Republican presidential candidate Pat Buchanan, Academy Award-winning actress Shirley MacLaine and the legendary, Grammy Award- winning musician-composer Tito Puente. (Try to guess which one is a creature from outer space. Here’s a hint: He doesn’t play bongos).

“On Sonia’s planet,” the source says, “everyone has three parents…three eyes and three illegal immigrant housekeepers. You think Linda Chavez had troubles.”

Conservative radio talk host Rush Limbaugh and former House Speaker Newt Gingrich recently charged that that Sotomayor is a racist. Our source was asked to respond to that allegation.

“That’s impossible. She’s not a racist. Where she comes from there is no such thing as race,” the source says. “People on her planet aren’t judged by the color of their skin, but the content of their character. Well, that and their ability to change their physical form by blinking three times and reciting the words to Volver, Volver backwards.”