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Get off your como se llama

Najera Nites columnist dives into LPM's 'Get off your como se llama' Fitness Challenge

Karma gets you eventually. While I was busy this Valentine season playing cyber matchmaker for my mom on e-harmony.com, my friend Jeri thought I deserved some payback. So that cabrona posted me on a Latin matchmaking site that pairs up gordos y flacos. Embarrassing! Que verguenza. I am going to pimp slap him.

I don't even need to check which category he posted my profile under. Although I admit, I am wildly curious to see who writes to me.

Now I know why my mom was so hesitant to post anything online. You feel exposed to anyone in the world with a high-speed connection. I'm not sure cybermatching is for me. I'm too much of a get-to-know-you-in-person-kind-of-person. Que sera, sera. But clearly, the universes (and trollops like Jeri) are trying to tell me something about my physicality. And so, we begin Week One of my fitness challenge.

So far, so good. My trainer is cool. She is a hip sister named Natasha. But she says I can just call her Tasha because I'm good like that. One of the first things Tasha told me was, "Now don't trip. When it's time for you to throw up during our workouts, no need to explain. Just go to the locker room. Do your business and come back. We'll keep on going."

Hmmm. What's worse, the fact that she said "throw up" in her explanation or "when?"

I'll have to get back to you on that one. In the meantime, the good and the bad and the long and the short of it is that I definitely have extra pounds which must be shed. But, in terms of my body fat percentage, I hover in and around fitness and average for men my height. I was worried I was pushing it way beyond that. I was glad to learn in my measurement session at Bally's that I have maintained good basic muscle foundation over time.

The drag is that the extra Guinness pints and double-doubles at In-and-Out Burger have covered me up like a bad Member's Only jacket.

It's strange, because as of this writing I have only worked out with Tasha twice. That's aside from the normal laps I swim and treadmill stuff I do on my own. And two people have already said I look better. No way. But, I also got a haircut recently; that must account for the change. Right?

Looking ahead: I only see two main challenges at this point (aside from the potential barf factor). First, I picked a gym that is 30 minutes away from where I live because I am in that part of town for a play right now. But that is going to change in a few weeks. I've brought it up with Tasha; she said she would talk to Bally's to see what we could do. Also, there are two times this year when I'll be performing for several weeks in other cities. There are Bally's in those locations, too, so hopefully I can find a way to continue my work with Tasha. If not, this may all fall apart. Right?

Am I just trying to give myself an exit? I hope not. I would hate to turn out to be a back do' ho'.

Nonetheless, Tasha wants me to keep track of everything I put in my mouth. She gave me a journal to log all calories. On Day One I was molded. It went something like this: Menudo (left over from Christmas); Turkey sandwich; Godiva chocolates; and more menudo.

Much work to be done here in Camp Najera. I'll keep you posted.